Red Stripes

There is something odd about the modern pregnancy test. It seems too industrial for my taste, too analytical. Answers like that aren't meant to be instant and given alone on the toilet. They're meant to be savored with others, their full implications dawning upon the woman with support from those who have gone through it and have a hand of comfort or words of wisdom to impart.

Instead, my wife pee'd on a plastic stick and looked for a red stripe to appear.

Now, don't get me wrong. Modern science and medicine is a wonderful thing, and the convenience and health they provide are blessings. I just have a romantic view of pregnancy, and really the whole story of human life. If only pregnancy could be revealed in a dream, an angel gently whispering to the mother the coming of her child, and the beauty of the gift. Are we beyond that? Does anyone want that? I think people want to know ASAP so they can get on with their lives as quickly and efficiently as possible. Maybe because to them, life is something to do, not something to savor? I'm not sure.

I am sure that our pregnancy test experience was interesting. When "Mrs. Abu-Who" felt like she might be with child, she told me we needed to get some tests from the local Target. No problem, of course, but we had a perfect Target Lady experience.


Our Target Lady saw the tests and said "Oh yeah, these are the good ones. I've used EPT and they never work, but these have worked for me every time!" I wonder if she leaves cookies out for the Stork?

The first one we tried was, in my mind, ambiguous. Although Mrs. A says that any stripe is a positive, I wasn't ready to believe it. (There IS a stripe there, very faint, on the left.)


The second test was less open to interpretation. I allowed myself to be enthusiastic.


Finally, since there are three in a box (do they have that kind of shelf life? Does anyone actually keep one around for later?) we figured "what the heck? Lets pee on another stick!"


Yeah. No question. It was practically screaming at us, in all it's bold, red, perpendicular glory.

Now, thinking about it, I guess these tests are a good thing. I mean, today, there's a whole show dedicated to women who didn't know, until they GAVE BIRTH, that they were pregnant. I don't think an angel in their dreams could've convinced these chicks, if the actual BABY GROWING INSIDE THEM couldn't do it.

Maybe toilet's should have these tests built in. Maybe a courtesy in all hotel toilets could be a little light that blinks rapidly if a woman proves to be, ahem, replete? Like a Bat-Phone. But then, who'd buy the sticks from the Target Lady?